On a practical level, the Queen works. Having a Royal Family works economically and I almost died laughing when a Republican suggested that the 8m from the Civil List would be better spent on the Olympic Games. What we give to them, they bring us back tenfold and so on a financial level the monarchy is sound. It costs us only 62p a head (how many walnut whips is that Ken?) and when one considers the enormous cost incurred by the Americans to look after every living President, we have things pretty easy. Now comes the clincher - does the monarch work socially? On principle, is it a good thing? I used to identify as a Tory - now I find myself drawn to Ming Campbell who seems to talk alot of sense - and so it was almost a natural response to defend the monarchy totally, but in the last two or three years things have changed. On the one hand, we were given a new hope in the Duchess of Cornwall. On the other, we became all too aware of just how useless Princes William and Harry really are. The Monarchy is not a popularity contest between members and the moment we turn it into a "Britain's Got Talent" style reality game where the one who gets the most cheers gets to wear the Crown for a few years, it's time to call it a day, but I have grave reservations about the future.
The Queen won't abdicate. Of that I am almost certain and I think that's right. Her funeral will be a vast and elaborate one and I'll be genuinely devastated to see her gone. She's been a model of composure, level-headedness and intelligence and that can't be ignored. In the haze of the funeral march, we shall offer our comfort to her son the Prince of Wales who will become King with his Queen Consort Camilla - and here is where things could go horribly horribly wrong my dears. I have absolutely no doubt that Charles and Camilla will be amazing as a team because they are now. Princess of Wales, Duchess of Cornwall, call her what you like but admit it that Her Royal Highness really does serve those three little letters before her name. Every engagement has been handled with a style and a professionalism that reminds more than just Gyles Brandreth of the late Queen Mother. Whether it's a state banquet or Royal Ascot, Camilla shines and she makes the Prince of Wales more acceptable to us because he has lost the surly, sulky image that was presented to us from 1997-2005. He actually looks as if he could be King now and he appears ready for the job. Camilla seems able to support him in that role and his many years of experience, coupled with her natural flair for charming people, will make them excellent ambassadors for our nation. Politics aside, they're delightful. But bounce a few branches down the family tree and if you can see them through the beer bottles, you'll find the real reason I'm not longer hopeful for the monarchy and why I think the House of Windsor might be better to go out on a high after King Charles III has shuffled off the ermine-trimmed coil that is Royal life.
Prince William has to be the most boring thing to grace our TV screens since Sir Patrick Moore said, "I think I'll buy a telescope". Boring can work - the Queen isn't exactly lively and the similarity between Princess Elizabeth and Princess Margaret can be made quite convicingly between William and Harry, but something just doesn't sit well. The question has to be asked - what does William actually do? He isn't learning to be King because that's his dad's job and he isn't really doing anything useful in the army because as we now know, the change in the way of world warfare has rendered it impossible for our Royals to go on active service in battle zones. The same goes for Harry, who seems to be taking the whole "We're not sending you to Iraq" thing very well by getting rat-arsed every night and falling out of a variety of clubs without so much as a "Well actually I was looking for Osama Bin Laden". After the Kate Middleton debacle, we saw a slightly gawky 25 year old who seems to take no interest at all in taking on Royal duties. His patronages are all sports related and when he did try the Di technique by hugging a baby, he almost killed the thing by holding it the wrong way. My problem with the boys stems from the interview they've given to Channel Five in which they ask to be treated like normal people. News flash guys - you're not normal. William is apparantly going to be King one day and Harry......well we like Harry. But liking them and giving them our allegiance and taxes are two different things and some will begin to look elsewhere, just as those who dislike Charles are looking to William as the saviour of the throne because he fell out of the blessed womb owned by one Diana Spencer.
So let us imagine that William and Harry both take the strange route of giving up their rights to the throne - who are we left with? Princess Beatrice has well and truly marked her cards by stating she wants to be a "mini-mummy". Beatrice dear, your mummy wasn't that mini and coupled with all the diplomacy, tact and charm of a boiled whelk, that was why she was unpopular with the British people. Aiming to be Fergie Mark II spells disaster. Eugenie doesn't promise much either and poor Zara tries her best but seems to have shacked up with a regular from "Only Fools and Horses" - will she be racing greyhounds next we ask ourselves? With no decent monarch material, is it really time for Britain to become a republic? If Britain did become a republic, I'd be sad. It would be an end to tradition, pomp and pageantry and of course, we'd lost the safety net of the constitutional benefits the Queen brings - at least thats what I always believed. Recently, I have been looking more and more into the workings of the EU. As a Europhile of the highest order, my trousers do moisten slightly when I see Angela Merkel tackling the Poles and in one tiny country, I saw a possible future for Britain - Latvia.
The outgoing President is a lady called Vaira Vike-Frieberga and with her typical Baltic build and cheshnut coiffure, she was recently called "Latvia's Queen". Vaira has been President for ten years and with her smart two-pieces and customary hats, she has racked up an impressive trophy cabinet as well as the adoration of the Latvian people. When I showed my Grandfather a picture of Vike-Frieberga greeting King Albert II of Belgium, he asked me, "Is that the Queen of the Netherlands?". And yet, Vaira was the leader of a Republic. She was an elected Head of State and yet she has the bearings of an Empress. The only snag is that we can't be assured of securing our very own Vike-Frieberga and it's here where I waver. How could we be sure that we got the leaders we wanted? Well....we vote for them.
The American way has never appealed to me. I find the alledgedly corrupt politics of Washington stomach-churning and to be frank and in stark contrast to the wonderful President that is VVF - we have the disaster that is George Bush. I don't believe for a second that the American system could work in Britain - but the Latvian system could. Instead of a House of Commons, we have one parliament. There are no Lords who have payed their dues to get their bums on the soft red plush to hold things up. There is simply one legislative body with one elected Prime Minister who in turn appoints his Cabinet. And parliament in turn, elects a President who serves five year terms. There is a constitution that the people have voted for and the whole thing seems very appealing and very workable. It therefore pains me to declare that my allegiance to the House of Windsor has suddenly been stamped with a sell-by date. With William behaving like some third-rate Paris Hilton wannabe, I see that the old Royal ways are sadly dying and what we have in William is a perfect opportunity to call it a day with dignity - and being English, I like things to have a little dignity. Charles has been trained for the job, it's a job he'll do well and it's something he's spent his whole life being prepared to do, to me it would be unfair to deny him what looks increasingly to be a very short reign.
After Charles, we'd have to train little Willy up to fit the shoes of his grandmother - and my faith in him to do that is non-existant. If we had the bright future that Norway, Denmark and Sweden had with their heirs who are all secure in their roles, I would probably change my mind. Crown Prince Frederik or Crown Princess Victoria would be a true blessing to the UK but William doesn't command the same respect they do. Crown Princess Victoria of Sweden puts her cousin to shame and she is already displaying the qualities of an amazing monarch with a bright future set against a shimmering sea of Swedish democracy. Sadly, Britain has been reduced to a muddy puddle with a bit of sick in it. If a referendum were held after the death of King Charles III, I'd plump for Baltic democracy any time. I never thought I'd actually see the day when I became a Republican but it looks like that day has come. As the House of Windsor loses the two icons of the last 50 years, their duties carried out well and their affairs put in order, I believe it's the right time to move on. Until that time, all I can say is - God Save the Queen.